YOUR PERSONAL SPACE
Douglas J. Moore, Ph.D.
DO YOUR "DISCUSSIONS" TURN INTO ARGUMENTS?
So many relationships are because
of Open
destroyed misunderstandings. communication is the key to preventing misunderstandings and developing enduring relationships with friends, lovers, and family members. Effective communication can be broken down into the following five steps:
The first
LISTEN/UNDERSTAND. step is to listen to the other person's side of the story. Listening means not interrupting and truly understanding the person's opinion. This is not the time to refute their story or convince her or him of your side, which are two very common pitfalls. It is helpful to restate their opinion so she really feels you understand.
SHARE YOUR SIDE. Once the other person is done talking it's your turn. It may be helpful to ask if he is done. As you describe your feelings, try to avoid words such as "never" and "always". Focus on ONE topic and try to resolve it. This is not the time to bring in a laundry list of complaints. Avoid talking about the past, stick to the present. When you bring up previous things he did, it just leads to defensiveness and arguments. If you are interrupted, politely ask to finish. Finally, avoid using the word, "you" and use "I" statements instead. For example, "you always mistrust me" will surely make the other person defensive. Instead, try "I like it when I can feel free to talk to who ever I want". The last example not only uses "I" instead of "you", but illustrates the use of feelings in a positive rather than accusatory statement. Communication is enhanced if you can share your feelings and do so in a positive constructive way.
DISCUSSION. Now that both of you have expressed your feelings and opinions it is time to discuss them. It will be helpful to be as calm and rational as possible. If neither of you can remain calm, it is best to postpone the conversation. You'll inevitably say something you'll regret when you are yelling rather than discussing. The purpose of discussion is to try and better understand her perspective, not to change her opinion. It is important to remember that it is OK to disagree and have different opinions.
COMPROMISE. The last two steps are frequently omitted from discussions, despite their extreme importance. Compromising requires both parties to offer possible solutions to the problem. You need to be willing to adjust YOUR solutions until one can be reached that is satisfactory to both sides. The trick here is a willingness to give in. You cannot always win. Another important feature is an effort to change yourself rather than the other person. A productive compromise would include you saying something like, "I will try to [trust you] more in the future". (The bracketed phrase will change to fit the circumstances). Such a statement addresses the other person's concern and puts the responsibility on yourself to change, which is the only party you really have control over.
AGREEMENT. Finally, you both must agree on which compromise you will use. Sometimes it may be helpful to write it down. This is particularly important for agreements with children and adolescents or in relationships where one party has forgotten previous agreements. Put the agreement out where it can be read. It helps to have a reminder to read rather than someone bugging you. After all, old habits are hard to break and no one wants to be told they goofed up again. Some agreements may need a time limit, particularly if you have agreed to do
4
something neither of you like to do, such as taking out the garbage. Try to stick to the agreement. If you don't want to continue it, renegotiate rather than just stopping.
Effective communication is a skill which improves with practice. The above steps will help improve communication and the chances for enduring relationships.
I welcome comments about the column or questions you may have. Please address them to the Chronicle.▼ Dr. Moore is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He also teaches, consults, and does research at several institutions in Cleveland.
Fern R. Levy, M.S.
CONSULTANT FOR PERSONAL GROUP AND ORGANIZATIONAL CHANGE
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Names Project in D.C.
The Names Project Quilt, a National AIDS Memorial, will return to Washington DC to be displayed once again across the Capital Mall, Columbus Day Weekend, October 810, 1988.
In the eight months following the Quilt's inaugural on October 11 1987, during the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, the Quilt has more than doubled in size, now containing nearly 5,000 individual 3 foot by 6 foot panels. The memorial is expected to reach 10,000-15,000 panels by October, a dramatic visual symbol of the epidemic which continues to take its toll on men, women and children worldwide.
"The Quilt demonstrates that Americans possess the national will to defeat AIDS" said Cleve Jones, founder and executive director of The Names Project. "People from every state and from all walks of life have worked together to create this symbol of compassion and commitment."
The Names Project Quilt is currently on tour, being displayed in 19 U.S. cities as the centerpiece of locally coordinated educational and fundraising campaigns. "Everywhere the Quilt is displayed, we raise urgently needed funds for direct care services
for people with AIDS,and inspire hundreds sometimes thousands of people to make volunteer commitments to the fight against the disease," said Jones. "Now we will take that commitment back to Washington, DC."
The Names Project has applied with the National Parks Service for all required permits and logistics teams in Washington and San Fransisco are already at work. Names Project organizers from 21 cities met over Memorial Day weekend in Atlanta to evaluate the progress of the National Tour and to discuss strategies for the October weekend, when the
Quilt will be the centerpiece for an entire weekend of AIDS related benefits and other events. The Names Project is sponsoring the events, scheduled to include: a large-scale rock concert, a Lesbian & Gay Community Concert, a candlelight memorial march and others, in addition to two full days of the Quilt display.
Those wishing to create memorial panels for inclusion in the October display, may still do so. Panels must be received in San Francisco by August 15. Contact Dale Melness at 281-1610 for further information. ▼
Denman to surrender
The Rev. Rose Mary Denman, an avowed lesbian, is no longer a clergy member of United Methodist's New Hampshire Annual Conference. Ms. Denman was one of the keynote speakers at the All Ohio Lesbian/Gay Conference in 1988.
Ms. Denman, the first United Methodist clergyperson convicted of violating the Book of Discipline's prohibition of self-avowed practicing homosexuals to ordained ministry, was accepted as a clergy member in full standing in November 1987 by the
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